Turkish Rondo
by Firefly99
Summary: [COMPLETE CRACK][For CloudRox1][CloudReno] Have you gained weight, Reno?


Turkish Rondo

"Hello, Cloud," Reno said, pulling himself backwards on the chair and smiling like a ravine, "it's great to see you again."

Cloud stared hard at the wall behind Reno's head.

"What the hell are you doing in MY villa?"

"Hey, don't get tetchy," the Turk snorted, "I came here because we have something important to discuss."

"Have you gained weight, Reno?" Cloud asked, approaching him.

It had been a good year since he'd actually had to forcibly evict someone from his house/life/their life, but if necessary nothing would stop him from doing so. His sword arm itched with joyful anticipation. Gut-piercing salon, open for business.

Well, it hadn't been a good year. It had been closer to five months. But that was that Thing That He Didn't Think About.

"You have. You've gained weight. Beer-belly finally caught up with you, I see," Cloud laughed. It was not an affectionate, happy laugh. It was the laugh of a man preparing to throttle another with his bare hands. "You've stopped training, have you? Well, I don't mind. I'll be able to kill you just _that_ much sooner."

"What? No. Listen, I need to talk."

"Just…talk?"

"Yes, just…talk," Reno said, clasping his hands over his large stomach. Strange. The rest of him seemed as wiry as ever.

"No fighting?"

"Not unless absolutely necessary," Reno said, his eyes twinkling with deadliness. That was nice. That was the Reno he knew. That was the reason they'd…befriended each other in the end. They were both far too psychotic not to gravitate together. Oh, they'd had so many happy arguments about whether it was easier to kill someone with a piece of wire or with your bare hands, over whether a Shinra Mod 49.B7-2 Carbine Type could outperform a Shinra Alt. Opt – 34 Rifle Type, about who they were really, about what they saw on telly, about how long it would take you to drink yourself to death. With AVALANCHE, killing was an unwanted necessity that they all tried to forget about – with Reno, killing was a _game_. Once he'd got over his initial shock, he'd come to embrace Reno's mindset.

And then The Thing He Didn't Think About had Happened.

"Alright," Cloud said, pulling up a chair. "I'm all ears. What's up?"

"I don't know how to say this," Reno began. "I. Uh –"

"Reno, is this about what happened five months ago?"

"Sort of."

"I'm not lettin' it slide, Reno. You're not welcome here any more."

"No," Reno snapped, "shut up and listen to me, asshole."

"So. Wanna talk?"

Reno took a deep breath, pressed in on his stomach, and continued.

"Cloud. Hey. How do you feel about…about children?"

"They're OK, I suppose," Cloud started, then paused. "Why?"

"I'm having your baby."

"I'm sorry, Reno, April Fool's Day was two days ago. You're gonna have to try better than that, anyway."

"I'm perfectly serious, Cloud," Reno growled. "I wouldn't tell you if it wasn't true."

An image of That Thing Cloud Didn't Think About passed before Cloud's eyes. In slow-motion. How the hell had Reno persuaded him to… oh yeah, of course, he remembered now. It was that Manipulate materia in his hand afterwards. Mind-control was not a good component of a relationship, and Cloud knew it. He'd had enough experience being out of his own mind because of Sephiroth. He never wanted it to happen again. The fact that he hadn't even known had terrified him, and he'd lost it. He would have killed Reno if he hadn't made a run for it. He would have ran after him if he'd had some pants on.

"How can it be true?"

Reno snagged Cloud's wrist, and lifted his own shirt, pressing Cloud's hand flat against his stomach. He tried to pull away, but Reno told him just to try.

There was a long pause.

Then a kick.

Cloud swore. It was a word he'd never heard anyone use except Cid. He'd been waiting for an opportunity to use it, and this one was perfect.

"You're a dad."

"I'm…I'm a…it's not possible."

"Well, how do you explain this? I'll have you know I keep perfectly spry."

Cloud gave an uncomfortable choke and slammed his head into the coffee table.

"I didn't believe it either, _zutto_."

"Oh, don't go all fanboy-Wutaian on me. What the hell are you hoping to achive with this?"

"It was an accident! I swear! Like I wanted it to happen!" Reno was clearly starting to panic. "I knew you wouldn't believe this. I've remained in denial about it for this long…"

"What stopped you being in denial?"

"I paid a visit to Hojo. It turns out that Jenova genetic material is very…pervasive. Technically, it's not even my…You see, when we had – "

"I know what we had, _dammit_! It's not going to happen again!"

"Hear me out, Cloud. I'm trying to stay cool and calm here."

"You've got _a bun in the oven_. I don't think 'cool and calm' is the answer."

"Cloud," Reno snarled, suddenly a deadly assassin once again, hands sliding into a martial arts gesture, "have you ever, in your whole life, had your ass whipped by a pregnant man?"

Cloud shut up.

"Right. You see, apparently, Jenova needs to replicate under any circumstances. In the right conditions, eye-ee when in someone else's body, the sperm of a Jenovate can grow a protective…sort of bubble-thing around itself which fuses into its host, right."

"…I feel sick."

"Hey, you're not the one with the sprog here. Don't complain. Anyway," Reno continued, "Jenova sperm contains two sets of chromosomes, too. The kid is going to be exactly like you."

"Wait a sec. Hojo told you this?"

"Yes."

"Isn't he dead?"

"Anyway," Reno breezed, "I was wondering that since it's your spriglet and all that you could…y'know…put me up for a bit. Rude's already kicked me out, and I'm a laughing stock everywhere else."

"I don't blame you. I don't believe this."

"Nor do I, man."

"I knew Jenova was weird, but…"

"Hey, Cloud, stop moaning. I'm asking for a bed. And money. And food."

"You know what, Reno?"

"No. What?"

"Get out of my villa, alright?"

"How did I know you were going to turn out to be a childfree? Anyway, it's your own fault for not using protection."

"I used lube."

"That's not protection."

"The thing is, I've knocked you up."

"I'm sorry about the Manipulate thing."

"You should be. If we've all agreed it's not my fault, then why do I have to be responsible for the…thing?"

"Because it's the law," Reno said.

"There's a law for men who get pregnant?"

"…Damn."

"Then get out of my villa," Cloud snarled, rounding on Reno fiercely.

"But you have to help me. It's the _right thing to do_. And you know it."

Cloud froze.

"But I have…I've got no idea how to…"

"You idealists. You're all so easy to manipulate," Reno sing-songed.

Cloud threw his hands up in disgust, and stood.

"You win, Red. I'm off to make some phone calls. And," he added, "I'm going to tell them not to give you an epidural, because you obviously deserve to be in pain."

"Who're you gonna call?"

"Ghostbusters," Cloud said, before he could stop himself. At least Reno still laughed like a normal person.

"Well, there's certainly somethin' strange in my neighbourhood, _zutto_," he said, prodding his stomach.

-----

(As it turned out after Cloud had made his phone call, Barret didn't have any parenting tips.

He was too busy laughing.)

-----

Birthday fic for CloudRox1.


End file.
